Monday, September 14, 2009

Something I Never Sent.

Because the fact is that mentally I still think you’re coming back to me? And I know it is the wrong mentality to have because you don’t want to be with me…but I can’t seem to stop...wanting to be with you… and the reality is breaking my heart. I guess it’s so much harder because honestly I can’t really think of solid reasons why we broke up like…real break up reasons other than the fact that you fell out of love with me. And it’s like I need to be in the same state that you’re in to where it is ok to hear that you are hanging out with a bunch of hot guys... or even say I don’t want to be with you anymore for us to be what you want, but the fact is that it still hurts and I can’t say it. Like picturing you with another guy…honestly... I think I would go into shock and devastated mode (not trying to stop anything, I think I really just need to get this out). I don’t think I have ever poured my heart to someone that has broken up with me before, but you were a big part of my life… and regardless I still wake up feeling empty? I’m not saying that you are the center of my life; I am just saying that it felt like you...completed me? I don’t think you understand how important you are to me.

And honestly when I think about how I feel about you now and my feelings for you when you left, they haven’t changed… and having not seen you in so long I really do miss you. And that is probably also a bad thing because while you had a month and a half to get over me, I’m still in the same place I was when you left. Like I want to talk to you as often as I can, but is that really going to help me and how I’m feeling? Like I want to find myself, the way you are finding yourself; but I guess the difference is that I want to find myself with you in it. I don’t know how to deal with feeling so hopeless. I’m sorry, I know you are having the time of your life and I don’t want to drag you down. I don’t have a problem with you wanting to experience new things and be wild and just be care-free, but the security to know that you still love me is gone. And I guess another reality is that if you are the happiest at this time in your life, maybe I’m not the person you want because I didn’t make you the happiest when we were together. I have lost my heart, my happiness, my hope, and myself in the past two weeks, and currently I see no end in sight.

I love you, I care about you, I worry about you, and I want you, and only you, and it is something that I don’t want to stop, but I can’t go on like this. I am hurting too much right now to where I can’t eat or sleep. I just feel like this is eating me up inside.

Please understand that I don’t want to lose you, as a friend or a girlfriend (even though that has happened already) and that is why though I am trying to respect your decision to move on, it’s just so hard and unbearable. Maybe it would be best if we didn’t talk for a while? Maybe then I would be able to get to where you are in just wanting to be friends and not caring if there is a significant other in your life?... maybe? But honestly at this point I don’t think I could forgive you if you ran off and found someone to so simply replace me…not after all we have been through together.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Love Lost, Water Under the Bridge...

I find myself here tonight lost with myself and where I am going in life. I feel this gaping hole in my chest that is preventing me from breathing and having a sense of fresh air or peace. To think that you know someone you have been with for three years only to find that we have two completely different views on...each other. I put in all I could and to come up short is almost like...surrender.. should I start waving my white flag? I don't know why I thought that things could change...even when things were well...not so perfect while you were still here...or..she?

But it isn't only the feeling that I failed but also this taste of being used... almost like she had been using me this whole time until she left and she just so simply...replaced me..or decided i wasn't needed and was insignificant. To think that I was left or abandoned while we were there for one another this whole time and now...I have one that understands me the way I feel you understood. How much of it was real understanding...maybe I will never know but the sense of support.. I am lost now. And to all ended over an e-mail... how much worse is that from Joe Jonas? The message isn't even received instantly...and a response..could take hours at the least... Not the most mature ending I would think.. and talk about giving me the respect...bringing things up like this distance helped me realize we need to both grow up apart... take some pride and own up to the matter instead of trying to justify that you just don't feel the same! I think the thing that bugs me most is that she never owned up to any of it... Oh how many times I have been in this situation when I say these things in hopes of some sort of realization but instead all I get is..nothing.

I have become confused with how I am feeling... angry...upset? sad? disappointed? I know that time heals all wounds...and though I have no idea what I want to do at this point... I know that holding it all in does nothing...

It has come to my realization that the only people who write blogs are those who have no one else to talk to about their problems...or those that want everyone to know their problems so they can take the sense of support from others. Clearly being out of a three year relationship I write this because I have no one else....haha I guess that's where my growing up begins...

What is said is said...and what is done is done. Now its time to figure out where I'm going.... Water under the bridge....there is nothing you can do about let it go.