Something I Never Sent.

Because the fact is that mentally I still think you’re coming back to me? And I know it is the wrong mentality to have because you don’t want to be with me…but I can’t seem to stop...wanting to be with you… and the reality is breaking my heart. I guess it’s so much harder because honestly I can’t really think of solid reasons why we broke up like…real break up reasons other than the fact that you fell out of love with me. And it’s like I need to be in the same state that you’re in to where it is ok to hear that you are hanging out with a bunch of hot guys... or even say I don’t want to be with you anymore for us to be what you want, but the fact is that it still hurts and I can’t say it. Like picturing you with another guy…honestly... I think I would go into shock and devastated mode (not trying to stop anything, I think I really just need to get this out). I don’t think I have ever poured my heart to someone that has broken up with me before, but you were a big part of my life… and regardless I still wake up feeling empty? I’m not saying that you are the center of my life; I am just saying that it felt like you...completed me? I don’t think you understand how important you are to me.

And honestly when I think about how I feel about you now and my feelings for you when you left, they haven’t changed… and having not seen you in so long I really do miss you. And that is probably also a bad thing because while you had a month and a half to get over me, I’m still in the same place I was when you left. Like I want to talk to you as often as I can, but is that really going to help me and how I’m feeling? Like I want to find myself, the way you are finding yourself; but I guess the difference is that I want to find myself with you in it. I don’t know how to deal with feeling so hopeless. I’m sorry, I know you are having the time of your life and I don’t want to drag you down. I don’t have a problem with you wanting to experience new things and be wild and just be care-free, but the security to know that you still love me is gone. And I guess another reality is that if you are the happiest at this time in your life, maybe I’m not the person you want because I didn’t make you the happiest when we were together. I have lost my heart, my happiness, my hope, and myself in the past two weeks, and currently I see no end in sight.

I love you, I care about you, I worry about you, and I want you, and only you, and it is something that I don’t want to stop, but I can’t go on like this. I am hurting too much right now to where I can’t eat or sleep. I just feel like this is eating me up inside.

Please understand that I don’t want to lose you, as a friend or a girlfriend (even though that has happened already) and that is why though I am trying to respect your decision to move on, it’s just so hard and unbearable. Maybe it would be best if we didn’t talk for a while? Maybe then I would be able to get to where you are in just wanting to be friends and not caring if there is a significant other in your life?... maybe? But honestly at this point I don’t think I could forgive you if you ran off and found someone to so simply replace me…not after all we have been through together.